Jasper's daily question is, "Mom, When is Heavenly Father going to give us another baby?"Oh Jasper, I wish I knew. I really wish I knew.
Jasper is always pleading for a brother or sister, and now he especially wants a baby.
While out Trick-or-Treating with Jasper, Mike overheard someone say that they were surprised that the Davidson's live in such a big house and only have one kid.
They also noted that they had never heard of a Mormon family only having one child.
Mike piped up and explained that we would love to fill our home with children.
I know this person was just curious and was not trying to be judgmental in any way. Because we are pretty open about our situation, I assume everyone knows that we haven't been able to have more children. So for those of you who might also be wondering I will tell you our story.
We LOVE kids. Love them! We would LOVE to have more kids. Lots more. But we haven't been able to. Yes, we have a good size home (6 bedrooms) and we would love to have those bedrooms overflowing with children.
But we don't. And it hurts. There are times when I have seriously contemplated moving because the empty bedrooms break my heart and sometimes it's too much to bear. We bought our home when Jasper was one year old, with the plan to fill it up with children.
I recently read this quote by Courtney Kendrick that really hit home for me. "Adoption is not a scientific cure for infertility--and it's not an emotional cure either." And yet we are considering adoption. We are going to an "Adoption and Foster Care" fireside this Sunday.This is not a road that I want to be going down. But I am. I feel like we should have more children in our family, and I have no idea how that is going to happen. And so we're seriously examining all of our options.
When I got pregnant with Jasper five years ago, it never occurred to me that we wouldn't be able to have more children. I've since had a tubal pregnancy that ended in emergency surgery in the middle of the night and a heartbreaking miscarriage, after seeing the tiny heartbeat. And for the last year or so I haven't been able to get pregnant at all.
I've been to the fertility doctor. I've had tests run. Lots and lots and lots of tests. I've seen my eggs sitting on my ovary -- looking just great. I had 33 vials of blood drawn in one sitting. I've had two HSG tests, where they run dye through your fallopian tubes. Both times my tube that the baby came out of during my tubal pregnancy shows it's in perfect repair.
I've gone to two different alternative medicine specialists. I've done accupressure and chiropractic treatments. I have searched and prayed and hoped for an answer. Something to explain what is going on.
Is this a trial that will end with a miraculous pregnancy? Will I ever know why we haven't been able to have more children. Do I give up? Do I hang on? What am I supposed to do? How many tears must I cry before this heartache ends?For those of you who are wondering...I am so happy for other people who can get pregnant and have babies. I celebrate them every chance I get. I love to host baby showers for my friends. I am excited for them and rejoice with them.
This summer at swimming lessons I overheard two mom's talking about their friend who hasn't been able to have kids and how they always dread telling her that they are pregnant again and how they feel like they can't talk to her about their kids because it's too awkward.
That conversation made me so sad. Is that how people feel about me? I sure hope not.
Until we figure out what's in store for us I continue to try and help my friends out as much as possible with their kids. Rejoicing in their children and loving them too. And hoping for more of our own.
13 comments:
I will be praying for y'all! We battled infertility with Jacey but we were okay once we had her because one was all we ever wanted.
I know that adoption and foster care aren't a cure, but perhaps it will help fill the hole in your heart a bit. I can tell you the story of two friends. One had her daughter via in-vitro and tried for years after to have more children. Infertility treatment after infertility failed and they were beginning to lose hope. They started fostering and ended up adopting a little boy and then started the proceedings to adopt a set of sisters they had been fostering as well. The day they girls adoption process was complete, they found out they were pregnant with no medical intervention. Their two biological daughters are now 11 & 1.
Another friend, a fellow military spouse had a son with no issues. They tried for years and had miscarriage after miscarriage when we were all stationed in the UK together. When they moved back to the states, they started fostering. They ended up adopting 2 of the little girls they fostered while still fostering more children. Recently, she found out she was pregnant with no help (they had stopped "trying"). Her biological son is 13 and she is due with a little girl in January.
Don't lose hope!
I love this post Angela. I also love your attitude, you are such a kind, generous and empathetic person. I also understand a bit of the pain (my sister has been unable to conceive 11 years now... but has adopted two and that process is a miracle in itself. what a joy adoption is!) Best wishes deciding on a next step, I will keep you in my prayers.
Ang, I admire your strength and courage in sharing something so personal and painful. I can't believe how many people I know that have the same struggle! Myself included, somewhat. Why oh why? One of my best friends has been trying for her second for years now...finally had invetro work after two tries. Now I just heard that she lost the baby. And I have another friend who had to adopt, before she could finally get pregnant.
...It doesn't make it any easier to know you aren't alone. Just want you to know I love you and also admire the way you handle it, and your faith. It would be so easy to become bitter.
Angela, remember me from the UofU days?! I just wanted you to know that I was touched by your situation and feelings. I can relate to some extent, because Greg and I have been trying to have a baby for 18 months now. I never imagined that I would have to worry about infertility. Thankfully, we have 3 sweet children who fill our life with joy. But we wanted more, and whenever that happens, it is a hard thing. It is often a silent trial, so I apppreciated your openess. I am sorry for all that you must be going through. What has helped me through is knowing that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and my family. He knows my situation, He is there, and that brings me great peace. I wish the best for you and Mike. I remember you as being a wonderfully happy, positive, and faithful person. I can tell you still are! Best wishes to you and Mike and Jasper. Love, Shea
Call Pres Snow and volunteer for seminary next year :)
I can totally understand and relate to you thoughts on adoption, however we almost went with this agency at one point: hearttoheartadopt.com
I'm sure you've researched a lot of agencies, but this one stood out to me because they are close (Utah) and they do a lot of placements each year.
Anyway...just a thought, and until then I will pray for you (hard) because I really, truly know how you are feeling!
Hey Angie! I am in the same place. We have one miracle boy of 9 and have tried since that time to have another. It hasn't happened for us either. We went the foster care way and have ended up adopting 3 amazing kids! It is not the same, but totally worth it. Check out our (really old, not recently updated) blog for pics, or if you want to talk, give me a call (801) 487-4985.
Suzi (Jewett) Ramos
This is another one of the reasons why you're awesome.
This post made me tear up, mostly because, as you know, you and I are going through so much of the same thing. Such an unexpected and difficult trial in our lives. Sometimes it is just so hard! And one that people do not truly understand unless they have or are going through it. I gain strength from you, Ang. And I am so grateful for your example of optimism, faith, and service toward everyone around you. I love you!
Angie, I read your blog post and totally felt like I was reading how I felt for so long and so often. It took us 5 years to finally get pregnant with our daughter (she's 14 now). We then turned to adoption after failed IUI's and IVF's. I think I knew I always knew in the back of my mind that adoption would bring us our next baby. It felt right! We consider both our children miracles. Our youngest is 5 1/2 years old. I never would have dreamed that my kids would be 9 years apart and that I would only have 2. But, I can tell you this, when we brought our Annalise home, it didn't matter that I hadn't carried her for 9 months. It didn't matter that I hadn't given birth to her. She felt like mine. I knew she was supposed to be apart of our family. There are times I forget that I wasn't pregnant with her or that I didn't give birth to her. I know that sounds silly, but I have been talking to friends and said things like, when I was in the hospital with Annalise, I then catch myself and say, wait, I didn't have Annalise. What I mean is when I visited Annalise in the hospital. I just can't explain the strong emotions I have with both my girls being my girls. Does that make sense?
I know Heavenly Father has a plan, but it's oh so hard to say, "Thy will be done". It took me a long time, but I know of the peace that came once I was finally able to turn it over to Him and trust that He knew best for me. We don't have the 4-5 kids we always wanted, but I feel thrilled and content with my 2 sweet girls. Like Suzi, holler if you ever want to talk about any of it. Hang in there!
Kathy (Newell) Ladle
Ang--lots of prayers being sent your way. I have a small sense for what you are feeling and know how tough it can be to have so much love and desire for more children only to have that unfulfilled. It will happen, in whatever way it needs to happen, but heavenly father will bless you. Keep your chin up and obviously (from all these responses) you are loved by many!!
I loved your post, because we are going through the same type of thing right now and it is always nice to know that I am not alone in my struggle. Not that it takes away the pain, but at least it helps to know that someone else knows how it feels.
I'm sending lots of hugs and prayers your way. It sounds like you are exercising lots of faith, and I know it will turn out the way Heavenly Father wants it to be.
Oh, Ang, you are such an amazing gal. What a blessing it is to be friends with the Davidsons! You really are such a light to those around you, and you always made me feel so welcome and happy.
Thank you for sharing this with us. From an outside perspective, I have to tell you that you have always struck me as someone who loves children and being a mom. There is no doubt that those who think otherwise just don't know you very well, because you just radiate love and goodness. I wish I could take the pain away from you, but I know that it will make you stronger. Empathy is something you are very good at to begin with, and I know that you will overcome whatever comes your way.
Sure love you, Ang. Hang in there. I'll send an extra prayer for you tonight.
Angela,
I am glad you shared your feelings. I can't imagine how hard it must be. I have good thoughts going out to you and you are in my prayers.
I, too, have a friend who got pregnant 2 months after adopting her son (they stopped "trying") and then 2 years later got pregnant with twins.
My sister adores her 1.5 year old she just adopted from China 2 months ago.
And, my mother-in-law adopted my husband after she couldn't get pregnant for 12 years and she adores her son (me too actually!). If we have a third child, we will adopt.
My vote is to pursue adoption because you will add special spirits to your family and you won't have the pressure of "trying" anymore. That might just be what you need for a miracle to grow.
I love you and miss you and want only happiness for you and your family!
Katrina (Berrie) Hiramoto
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