Monday, January 23, 2012

On the Road to Adoption

This Thursday Mike and I have our first meeting with the adoption counselor at LDS Family Services.

Adoption was not in my "life plan".  I think that for me, I thought adoption meant giving up on the dream of getting pregnant again and having more children.  And that is painful.  Really painful.  I wrote a little about how we are not sure why I'm not having successful pregnancies here.

LDS Family Services has a section on their website for couples called "Hoping to Adopt" that I have looked at so many times.  I've read the "Real Life Stories", watched the videos of  for birth mothers who explain how they decided what to do.  I even read the story of a birth father.

I feel like I can relate to the birth mothers in some ways.  We are both going through something really difficult.  We both wish there was an easy way out.  We both wish this was not the road we have to travel down.  And yet we do.

I have cried a lot of tears.  And I keep thinking that the crying will end and that starting the adoption process will take the pain away.  But my heart is still broken.

My heart is broken that I haven't been able to have another successful pregnancy.

My heart breaks when Jasper asks me five times a day, "Mom, when are we going to get some more kids?"  Or when he daily reminds me what a good big brother he can be, and then rattles off his list of everything he has come up with that he can do to help a younger sibling.  More tears.

People tell me, "You just need to give up on having another successful pregnancy and let it go."  Great idea.  I've tried that.  A hundred times.  But it doesn't work for me.

For me to say, "I'm okay not giving birth to anymore children" is a lie.  I wish I could let it go.  I really wish I could feel that way.  But I don't.

I want to be pregnant.  I want to deliver another child.  I want to nurse them. I want to love them.

I think I'm okay to have these desires.  I think that God planted these feelings in my heart.  I think it is part of being a woman.

Ezra Taft Benson, a past Prophet of my church said, "“A mother’s role is also God-ordained. Mothers are to conceive, bear, nourish, love, and train. They are to be helpmates, and are to counsel with their husbands.”

I now realize that adopting a child doesn't mean that I have to give up hoping for another successful pregnancy.  It doesn't have to be one or the other.  I don't have to lock that door.

The reality is that I'm probably not going to bear any more children.  And that stings. But thanks to adoption, I can still be a mother again. 

This experience has been a lot more difficult for me than I thought it would be.  I feel like I need extra strength and direction during this time.  I started going to the Temple every Wednesday to help lift me up and give me hope that everything will work out.  I need the peace and light the Temple offers.

Since it takes 45 minutes to get to the Las Vegas Temple from my house, a few of my friends are sweetly watching Jasper for an hour and a half before preschool, feeding him lunch and dropping him off at school so I can have time to attend the Temple and be home when school is out.  I am so grateful for their help.

This feels like a really hard thing right now.  But I am just going to keep going.  Keep moving forward with faith.

Jasper always tell me, "I want to be happy on earth."  Great advice from my 4 year old son.

8 comments:

Shauna said...

Beautiful post Angela. I hope you can add to your sweet family through the beautiful miracle called adoption. Love you.

Cydnee said...

I look forward to watching your family grow regardless of how it happens. I really like this post and think it is important that you've written your feelings down in this way.

Drey said...

I have lots of family and friends who've had wonderful adoption experiences... you are one amazing mom and Jasper is lucky to have you!

Danielle said...

You are an amazing mother and any child would be lucky to have you in their life. I know that our family was made complete when my parents adopted my sister. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

marisa said...

Angela,
I have some dear friends in Las Vegas who have adopted, two different sets of sibling groups, one from Columbia and the other through the foster care system in LV, and I know they are working on another adoption...if you want to connect with them I would be happy to get the two of you in touch. You are in my prayers.

Rachell said...

My heart hurts for you! Here's a big hug just for you. Thinking a lot about you, too.

Lacey said...

I remember going through similar thoughts when we never thought we would have Jacey. You are a fabulous Mom and even if you adopt, it is not necessarily the end of your journey. I have two friends, one who adopted 3 children and one who adopted 2 children, each went on to have a biological child not long after they thought they were done expanding their family :).

Mary Kay said...

Angela,

I'm so sorry. Your post is heart wrenching. I can't imagine how much it must hurt to not be able to bear more children. You are such an amazing mom. You are in my prayers. The Lord has a special plan for you.

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I am full time wife and Mom. Jasper is my busy 3 year old who keeps us on our toes. I like to sew and craft and make our house a home. I love to be outside and play with my boys.